Women, Marriage & our Neighbours

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine this morning. Her news of not being happy in her marriage came to me as a shock. She has been married for about four years. Before that, they had lived together for a number of years and prior to that, they dated for a while. But listening to her today I was more shocked by finding out that the guy has always been mean to her and his way of treating her is nothing new!

I was not sure whether to feel sorry for her for going through tough times in her marriage or to be angry with her for having married a guy who had always been an asshole!

This is something that I have always been bothered with! When you meet single Iranian girls they are all talks. Talks of being single-minded, independent, free women, and that they will never fall into a trap of a union where they are reduced to a second class citizen. But as soon as they tie the knot, all the attributes of a modern, educated, liberal, free-thinker woman of the 21st century that they claimed to be, goes out of the window.

It sometimes feels as if we Iranians live according to a highway code! They are fixed rules and guidelines that everyone must follow. This is why our lives and those of our families and friends all look so similar. We all go to school, then comes university which is a must (for men to guarantee a better future and for women the prospect of finding a better husband), boys do their national service in some cases, then get a job, get married by a certain age and before our parents, families, neighbor's or the local greengrocer begins questioning, we should have produced at least one offspring. Once all tasks completed in that order one can get on his/her life!

You try stepping out of this formula and you will be an outcast! But the problem, however, is that it doesn't take much to fall out of the track! Decide to remain single or say that you want to build up your career, and you are out! Decide never to have kids, here you go, Out again! You don't have to come home to tell your mother that you are a lesbian or gay, it's enough to tell them that you have a good job, a career, and enjoy your life; but do not want to get married, and they would feel sorry for you. The adjective 'poor' will follow your name even if you are making millions! Just because you are not married, have no kids, etc.

How can we change this? Easily!

Don't listen to, "If you live like this, how are we going to raise our head in the neighborhood." Instead, live the way you like to live. Iranians all would have lived differently could they become invisible to their neighbors. We live the way we believe is accepted by our neighbors, but the saddest thing is that the neighbors are doing exactly the same!